Sunday, July 08, 2007


Well, the Al Gore show had another (astonishingly self-promotional) episode this weekend, in the form of Live Earth!, a collosal waste of precious non-renewable resources in the form of electricity, fossil-fuels, carbohydrates, H2O, etc---not to mention being a pathetic excuse for an even bigger, worldwide (captive) audience. Those lucky Nipponese even got to see a holographic version of America’s favorite runner-up---a new technology Al Gore has just invented.

It’s really hard to fathom the depth of worthlessness that could possess this guy to do ANYTHING, literally ANYTHING, in order to be able to believe that he is perceived as a political unit worth consideration.

The nadir of narcissism. What’s next? I predict he’ll make some claim to the US Constitution, maybe the concept of democracy, maybe Christianity itself. After all, he does appear to have the capacity to lay claim to virtually any concept, invention, movement known to man. Why not Christianity?

It could go like this:

(Al Gore enters, stage right, to standing ovation; camera pans the middle-class audience sprinkled with a demographically-correct amount of color)

"I know this might not be accepted by the ultra-right conservatives, but I’m here to tell y’all that I’m really Jesus. Well, actually I’m the end-times resurrection of Jesus Christ, born in 1940 as Allen Birdbrain Gore in a manger—that’s your garden-variety sheep feeder, for you city folks. We were poor.

"Here’s a picture of my original mother, Mary" (Vienna Boys choir sings Ave Maria in the background) "Her hands are bleeding—see, right here?—from the nails which were driven through my hands. Unfortunately I hadn’t yet invented photography, so all we have is portraits and statues of her. But I was able to control the artists’ creative thought process—a method I carried over to the internet, which Bill Gates stole from me and used to create MicroSoft.

"No, of course there’r no scars on my hands. This body your looking at isn’t the same one I was in back in Palestine—that’s what Iss-ray-ell was called back then, for those of you arm-chair theologians" (cut to chuckling yuppies in the audience). "She was a wonderful mother."

"Anyway the reason I’m coming out now about this, admittedly revolutionary, claim has nothing to do we with Al Gore, per se. No, I wouldn’t stoop to such self-promotion, of course not—shame on me if I was to do something so, so politically motivated. No, the reason for letting y’all in on my little secret is this: My father has instructed me to tell y’all that the end is near."

(collective murmur; camera pans to a picture of Billy Graham’s son nodding his approval; his name and relationship to his father flashes across the screen; then cut to quick clip of nuclear test explosions in the south Pacific; then cut to Japanese animation of a horrible beast eating Caucasian mothers and their babies; audience gasps).

"Now, lotsa y’all knew it was coming, but Daddy—that’d be Yahwew, to y’all, but I don’t suggest you call him that to his face" (audience chuckles) "—Daddy, he wanted me to give the good American people, since we are sorta the chosen people, kind of like the Iss-ray-ell-ites, to give y'all a heads-up. To give y'all the four-one-one." (camera shows a young black man and his oriental female mate, nodding their approval) "Of course he also told me that if America was to straighten up and fly right, that maybe, just maybe, if I—Al Gore—was willing to vouch for y'all and take the reins of this here runaway trainwreck, so to speak, which we’ve inherited from the current administration, that he’d probably be willing to put it all behind him. And maybe, just maybe, change his plans and just toss ol’ Bee-ellza-bub—a.k.a. Satan, the devil—right into that burning lake of fire and lock up those gates of hell for eternity." (show painting of Dante's inferno) "Yup, just skip all that horrible end-times stuff—murdering angles, plagues, Gigantor-like monsters, and all that stuff (flash montage of all the various end-times travesties) and go straight to that ol' lion layin' down with the lamb."